This week I have been reminded of the concept of “calling people in” as opposed to “calling people out”. It is one of my favourite things! The first time I heard someone use those terms it was an aha moment. I felt inspired and convicted at the same time. It rang true because my end goal is love and calling people out doesn’t usually end up in a loving, mutually respectful outcome.
Even though my core personality is peaceful and I tend to people please rather than engage in confrontation, I haven’t always thought that calling people out was wrong. I have been guilty in the past (Oh, youthful ignorance!) of calling people out and feeling like I was not only right to do so but divinely called to. But, as I have walked down life’s curvy, bumpy road and sat down to eat with people from all walks of life, I have changed. Now I want my actual calling to be repairing bridges instead of blowing them up.
Our relationships are healthier and our conversations are more effective when we lovingly call people in. Inviting them to know us and our thoughts rather than angrily or dismissively calling them out and pointing out what we believe to be wrong in their way of thinking or being. This is true from parenting to politics and everything in between.
Imagine if our intention was to understand people rather than to change them? Our children, our partners, our coworkers…strangers, each one of us walking such a unique path and yet every single one of us searching for connection and love. Imagine each of us free to share our truths, even as we question them, without fear of being called out.
Life brings us trauma and healing. It is how we grow and how we become who we are complete with opinions and beliefs, strengths and weaknesses, wounds and healed scars. Real growth happens when we realize that is our duty and an honour to create and hold space for others to become who they are complete with opinions and beliefs, strengths and weaknesses, wounds and healed scars.
Transcendent growth is when arguments lose their thrill and revenge no longer tastes sweet. It is when I don’t just accept you for who are but I love and support you because I no longer have a framework for judgement other than the golden rule. The end goal changes from me winning to us winning.
Is the end goal peace? Is the end goal understanding? If the end goal is a beautiful and loving connected community, then compassion and empathy have to be the foundation of the conversation. Calling people in has to be the new normal.
Nobody stays in the conversation once they have been told they don’t have a voice. No one sticks around when they feel invalidated.
True dialogue occurs when everyone listens. True community happens when each individual is allowed to be. True family is created when you are loved. Period.
Is the end goal love? Let’s start calling people in rather than calling them out.
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